Welcome to October! I think this is the only month I’m ever making “Welcome to ___!” type comments… but it is the best month.

October also means fourth quarter of the calendar year which feels, in its way, heavy. All the awareness of what you have yet to do, to accomplish, to achieve, in the months preceding, and all of the pressure to somehow, magically, get that shit done before the clock strikes midnight on the new year. I feel like in some ways that’s part of where the month-long Halloweening comes from, this subconscious (or all-too conscious) awareness of the passage of time, and we’re obviously not gonna get all of That done before the end of the year so let’s at least have some fun! And then we’ll totally get serious after the fun part. Like, totally will. 110% serious.

I took Irma to the vet this week, for some vaccine re-ups and some labwork to monitor her ongoing undiagnosed medical issues (zero alarm here, she’s great and loving life, it’s more of a monitor-and-maintain situation). She’s 10lbs at most, some kind of minpin-iggy mix that very unexpectedly showed up in my life back in 2018. And I’ll be damned if she isn’t just The most expensive dog, by pound, in this zip code! Why are free pets always the most expensive? I mean, she’s absolutely worth it, but hoo boy. Every time I’m starting to feel like I’m getting ahead on some things, something always sneaks in under the wire. I know we all know money is fake, but how is it that the proverbial car always breaks down right after you get a bonus at work or whatever? It’s like my Matrix code has a modifier: if I have or expect to receive $xx.xx then [urgent item] will cost $xx.xx±$75.

So we’ll see what the lab work says, hopefully looking better over the last set of labs or at least stable so that she can get some dental work done. The bulk of her most recent medical stuff happened mid-2024, which not only followed my medical stuff from earlier in the year but also took the lead on “number of adult things I can do right now without screaming”. She and I do seem to be running in tandem on things but hey, if things maintain course, by the end of the year we’ll both have fresh teefers!

Thinking about what the past two years have held, I can’t help but feel like my life turned into one of those incredibly engaging thriller novels with so many disparate plot lines at the start and as you go, they begin to connect and weave a web of coincidental connection that culminates in… hopefully the main character making it out alive.

It’s October, we’re bringing Final Girl energy.

☑️ Done and Done - It was a slow start to the week (and the month) with dental work on Monday, some casual prep and planning for October’s content calendar, Irma’s vet appointment, and as much cam work as I had the energy for. Started my October movie watching (here’s some recs if you need them) and caught up on my Letterboxd log. Also hit up a used camera gear sale and walked away with a USB cable, some cable locks, and, inexplicably, a super cool knife.

📋 Coming up - Moar dentistry on Monday. Moar camming through the rest of the week. Editing content for October’s fansite posting; maybe a spooky photoshoot?! I feel like maybe making a pizza this week (oh and! Thursday is Int. Beer & Pizza Day so there ya go!). Gotta figure out how to get rid of the old stacking washer-dryer (dryer hasn’t worked since January, such a pain) to make room for the new/used stacking washer-dryer arriving next weekend.

I’m two weeks returned to camming, and as time-consuming and exhausting as it’s been, I’m actually having a really good time with it.

I’m sitting here wondering what I’ve been avoiding for the past few years, having returned to sex work during Covid lockdown but for some reason refusing to even entertain the notion of camming. I think initially I assumed the camsites in 2020/21 would be too saturated—and they probably were, but then again wasn’t every accessible-to-beginners spicy site oversaturated then?? “Starting an OnlyFans” became a cliche and a punchline as the platform became a household name, but start an OnlyFans I did. So what was the hold up on camming? The long and the short of it, I stopped camming becuase I was really burnt out on it, but pulling back it goes deeper of course.

The last time I was performing live was around… 2007 maybe? It was a haphazard experience and I just wasn’t invested in doing it Right… my computer was in the living room of an apartment I shared with my partner (now ex) and things between us were already weird because of the sex work I was doing (a tale as old as time). The camsite market was experiencing a lot of innovation as the technical landscape of the Internet was evolving, and I’d opted to return to the site I’d started on in 2004, which was as much a mistake as staying in that relationship as long as I did lol.

I had no rhyme or reason to starting on that particular site back in 2004, beyond the fact that it’s what was offered to me. I had replied to an ad in the back of the local alt weekly newspaper looking for “live models” and the woman I talked to was friendly and promised major paydays, hooking me up with the gear I needed to start. But she was also pushy, calling me when I was offline to tell me that site traffic was hopping, calling me while I was LIVE to tell me to focus on specific chatters (always right after a pushy user wanted access to my phone and I’d lie that I didn’t have an active one ha). I’d think I was friends with other models and then I’d be in their room and see them talking trash about me with users who would then come into my room and be nothing but complimentary, or users who just didn’t respect women in general but there was no way to block them; the whole environment was really overwhelming and trashy and I just couldn’t deal with it at that point. That long-defunct site was a bad fit for me but I had zero familiarity with any of the other options back then so I simply didn’t know any better.

So what prompted me to revisit it?? Well, apart from dwindling earnings from my current platforms. 😅 While I am much more familiar with the cam options available now, I hadn’t considered joining any of them until a mutual on Bluesky was like, “here’s what I’m earning and if you want to try it I’ll share advice and help out with whatever I can.” And as nice as community resources like Reddit can be, sometimes when you’re inundated with information and “best practices” and Bulletproof Guides To 10x Your Profit Now!, et cetera et cetera, really you just need one competent person you can have a conversation with.

I was also reminded in conversation recently how much I love the concept of a good classic peep show. I’ve never had the athleticism to be a stripper let alone the in-person people skills needed to work a crowd (*cough*autism*cough*), but hey, I do like dressing up in little outfits and having a good time! Is performing in front of a two-way mirror that much different than dancing in your bedroom?? Born a decade or two earlier I probably would have moved to Seattle to work at the historic Lusty Lady (RIP). Camming is basically the modern, digital equivalent of a peep show, right? So that reframing kind of shoved the concept of a return to the front burner.

I did 2-3 weeks of research before going live the first time. Figuring out how to use my camera as a webcam, doing camera and lighting tests, buying a few small bits of gear to smooth out the workflow, setting up and customizing OBS, reorganizing my space to accommodate the work, and familiarizing myself with the camsite by using it as a customer first (a key part of the process to learning a new sex work platform a lot of people skip over!). I also had to pace myself, making sure to not overinvest either my energy or my finances as a result of “shiny new interest”. Get the money first, pay for the urgent things first like bills and Irma’s vet care, and then start to reinvest earnings back into the business. No Merrick, you don’t need any new outfits yet, you need to clean and organize your current wardrobe first (boooooo).

My NEW tag lasts through mid-October, and I’m trying to maximize that without overdoing it or sacrificing productivity elsewhere. I do feel like I’m neglecting my fan pages a bit and that doesn’t feel great, but I can’t literally do everything you know? I could try but I would fail! And now I’m seeing why people hire page managers to keep the content flowing. I’m not there yet, but… to be honest I’m not against it. I’m going to keep riding this out as a solo production at least through the end of the year, and maybe then I can consider hiring someone in to help with the admin work if camming continues to be a high-earner for me.

And I hope it is, because not only am I having fun, but it feels like my career is coming full circle. 21 years later and back where I started after dabbling in all types of sex work, and learning a lot about myself and my capabilities along the way. Every new venture building on the skills and understanding I gleaned from the last, and I’m approaching the work much more professionally now. People think success in this industry is instant, that all you have to do is be attractive and show up. And maybe for a lucky few that’s true, but I’m here to tell you that it could also take decades of hard work, self-reflection, and investing in new skills and new equipment. You’re either in it for a few youthful years or in it for life, and It’s looking like I’m a lifer.

Exchanging messages of support and enthusiasm with a friend recently, they asked me how I find the time to be doing this whole newsletter every week. I’m afraid I don’t really have any useful answer to that beyond… I just decided to do it, and then I did it. Compiling this full email takes around 5-7 hours of my week, and time is precious, so their question really did get me wondering how I was able to start this and maintain it so instantaneously. I thought I’d take a moment and run down some of the tech stack I’m working with on the daily that not only help me keep these emails flowing, but keep me sane and organized throughout the week. Consider this a Part 1 of an ongoing(?) series.

Newsletter platform: Beehiiv. I went with this service because I liked their customization options, the interface didn’t feel overwhelmingly complicated, and their base/free service is very thorough plus they have nice extended features for paid accounts. I can work on my newsletter throughout the week on either my phone or iPad, though those experiences aren’t as smooth as desktop. Beehiiv also doesn’t have a Nazi problem like their competitors. If you’re interested in running a newsletter, here’s my Beehiiv Partner link (you get a 30-day free trial and 20% off 3 months after that), and I’d be happy to walk you through some basics!!

Personal life management: Bullet journaling and Google Calendar. I’ve maintained a bullet journal consistently for about 4 years now, and inconsistently for around 8 years. Writing things down, putting literal pen to paper, is a magic tool that helps my brain remember what I did last week… and in case I don’t remember, I’ve got a daily log of activities to reference. I mostly adhere to the traditional, basic Bullet Journal method, and I use an official BuJo-edition Leuchtturm1917 journal because they do write really nice with a fountain pen. Paired with Google Calendar for day-to-day scheduling and event management because not everything gets written down in the bujo, and I need the on-the-go calendar for quick reference while I’m out.

Bookmarking tool: Raindrop.io. I discovered Raindrop.io through a solopreneur productivity newsletter, and it’s turned out to be incredibly useful for me, and a much-preferred tool over something like Evernote (which I used to use but it eventually felt too bloated and was not an easy resource for pulling refs from). While I know I’m not utilizing the flexibility of the tool to its full extent, the free version is simple enough that I got my mom set up with an account as well. I love their browser extension and phone app for quick bookmarks, and the tagging/keyword functions for keeping track of why I saved something.

I could easily—and probably will—write a much longer breakdown on each of these tools/services at some point, but for now that’s a reasonable summary of what I’m pulling up and referencing every time I sit down to write these emails. If there’s any of these you’d like to know more about, or have questions about the digital tools I utilize for other parts of my business, please hit me up!

🎬 Movie #1 - I sat down to watch the John Wick-spinoff Ballerina from earlier this year, and 3 minutes into everyone speaking Korean I realized that I had selected the wrong movie. 😅 What I ended up watching anyway was Ballerina (2023), a Netflix Korea production that would not be out of place in the Wick universe. It’s a tale of revenge, with one emotionally isolated and combat-trained woman set out to bring down whoever it was that lead to the death of her friend (“friend”). This movie introduced me to the mint chocolate chip culture wars occurring in Korea, but also made me wonder if being “on Team Mint Choco” was slang for… something else (afaik it’s… not…?).

🎬 Movie #2 - Now that it’s October, I’m on an exclusive diet of spooky movies. I like to start slow and ramp up as the month progresses, and Caddo Lake (2024) was a reasonable start. Not entirely “Halloween” but a solid thriller nonetheless. Even though I figured out the twist pretty early on, I enjoyed how this one unfolded and connected all the dots.

🎬 Movie #3 - Leaning a bit more into traditional horror vibes, The Wretched (2019) was a fine, seasonally-appropriate viewing experience, but I also forgot the title almost as soon as I hit play. Small town, haunted woods, missing children, etc. While it wasn’t amazingly innovative in any capacity, it was a fun watch with some really excellent (and well-acted) monster design, and a few light twists just to keep us on our toes.

🎵 Listening - Earlier this year I lost my iTunes library… by which I mean the actual iTunesLibrary.itl file, but none of my actual music. Now I’m rebuilding it for, I think, the third time in my life. As much as I told myself I was going to go slow and import with intention, listening to every album added and making sure it was correctly tagged etc. etc…. with just under 300 gigs of files yet to import I decided to skip ahead and just dump some folders in and hit shuffle. Everything old is new again! I feel like the Kombucha Girl meme trying to decide if I still like some of this stuff.

👕 Wearing - David Lynch voice: IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT, IT’S SWEATER WEATHER ONCE AGAIN! I spent the first day of October with all the windows open to better hear the rain; I was cold but (and?) I was happy. It’s also oversized t-shirt and long socks season, my favourite.

💭 The title of the video “Why Do Some People Lack an Inner Monologue?” is misleading, because at no point in this 19-minute video did they ever come to a conclusive reason why. Nonetheless, it was an interesting watch! Every time the question of an inner monologue comes back around, I have to rethink whether I myself have one. I always settle on yes but hesitantly so; the way several of the interviewees compared their brain/thought process to computer was 💯 very familiar so maybe I don’t?? Truly I have no idea what’s going on up there, but it’s always interesting to think about.

🤖 Can AI be your astrologer? Spoiler alert: it can’t. I feel like most people would automatically say no based purely on being ati-LLM, which is very valid, and is also the core of why it couldn’t LLMs aren’t designed to do that. I feel like this is also why we’ve seen a surge of Human Design chatter over this past year: people are taking free tests and then feeding that to an LLM for greater analysis. It just doesn’t work folks! Astrology is one of the oldest sciences (yes I think it’s a science fight me). See also: this amazing infographic of The Cartography of Generative AI; it’s dense but it’s also an incredibly accessible read.

🦀 Something good and cute for you: Sunken World War II Debris Has Become Surprisingly Useful for Sea Creatures. I love reading about—and seeing photos of—all those weird little deep sea guys scuttling about on the ocean floor. Reading about little ocean guys scuttling about on sunken nuclear warheads is a bit more disconcerting, in a “this is how you get Godzilla” kind of way, but good for them making the most of the trash we’ve forced on them.

🔗 I’m not asking for much. In fact, I think this premise is the bare minimum really. But also, Bandcamp, if you’re taking requests, I’d love to be able to choose whether I get a bajillioin emails from every artist or label I follow, or if I just get notified when they actually release music, please and thanks.

Here’s a bonus of photo of Irma because look at her!! 🥹 In her little windbreaker hoodie!! 😍 Matching with the last blooms of the season, no less. Gosh she’s cute.

I’m keeping my head so far down in work these days, trying to find ways to live my life around whatever mess is going on Out There, trying to keep that mess from coming in Here and meddling with my little sanctuary. Speaking of, my place is a mess… I can also see why the full-time camgirls keep this shit to a single room in their home. It would be so nice to shut the door and put it out of mind! But lol I’m living in the wrong state to own a home as a sex worker hahaha, I do be on that studio loft life and so I must clean.

That and a pot of tea will be the rest of my Sunday afternoon, methinks. Y’all be kind out there. And cozy.

xox,