I’m writing the bulk of this email on Saturday afternoon, the day after seeing Nine Inch Nails in concert. Not my first time seeing them live, but it was definitely the… brightest. I don’t know why rock bands fall so frequently to audience-facing flashing/strobing lights as a way to augment their performance, but it’s exhausting. I’m physically exhausted from the experience, not because I was going hard in the pit (I was up in a seated area lol) but because of the effort it takes to “watch” a concert that is blasting you with floodlights in a rhythmic, escalating pattern. Maybe that’s the autism talking. Risk of seizure notwithstanding, it was a great show, with a fun blend of TRON-adjacent techno-y remixes as well as “classic” hits.

I think the other time I saw them was the Hesitation Marks tour in 2013… whichever tour it was where Rob Sheridan did the backing visuals (confirmed via Sheridan’s website, it was the 2013/14 tour*). Also a great show with a more album-focused setlist, and my eyeballs didn’t hurt the next day. *Note to self: what a well-curated and -presented portfolio! I’m in dire need of doing the same for myself, and this is an excellent reference for the type of digital portfolio I’d like to assemble.

Juxtapose all this with the last concert I went to (I think? Tell me if I’m wrong) back in May, a 5-band lineup of touring dungeon synth artists from the US and the UK. Sure, it was in the basement of a dive bar, there were maybe 3 shop lights pointed at the stage, and the Merch Booth was everyone’s cassette tapes, t-shirts, and patches laid out on the same pool table. But it was intimate, connected. The performers were fans themselves, and we were all just hanging out supporting each other and the community and having a good time. Music is a spectrum; it’s good to experience all different types of venues and styles of show, but I feel my days of stadium tours waning in favour of hanging out with a bunch of pals standing on the same floor.

None of this is to say I didn’t have fun at the NIN show! It’s just an interesting contrast in experiences. I’ve been to techno shows where people were moshing, to mid-sized venues where everyone was dancing, rock concerts where NO ONE was at the stage, heavy metal shows where men held their arms across each others’ shoulders as they lost themselves to the music—okay actually, I think those guys were on drugs lol. Still! That’s the cool thing about live music; it comes in all forms, with an experience for everyone. The trick is going in with zero expectations of what that experience will be or you’ll have a bad time if things don’t line up. Go in with the understanding that what you’re about to experience will never happen again in exactly the same way, and you’re far more likely to have a good, if not great experience.

Apparently MC Chris is playing tonight, and I’m weighing whether I slept enough or will be regulated enough to attend without having a panic attack. We’ll see?

A few moments later…

Okay I went to the show and had a GREAT time. Bonus points that my eyes did not get melted by strobing floodlights, even right up at the stage. This was the last stop of his “20 Years of Touring” tour, which I guess means I went to his first tour in 2005 (so I had to go to this one, you see). He did nothing but audience requests(!), and closed it out with a cover of Crazy Train. Splendid.

✅ Done and Done - It was a good week for food, I made a bomb tonkatsu as well as a solid dupe of the salmon burger I had at a restaurant a few weeks back. Watched the cat spend most of her time up on her new cat furniture and enjoyed a couple short runs with Irma. Continued plugging away at H2H work, received my order of glasses with my new prescription (I can see in 4k now!), got really confused by my own content release schedule, had a bunch of weird dreams, relished the autumn-tier weather before the heat set back in, had my eyeballs melted at NIN, confirmed I still can’t keep up with MC Chris rapping Fett’s ‘Vette. Oh and I FINALLY BLEACHED (and dyed) MY HAIR, please clap.

🔜 Coming up - Window Blinds Replacement Round 2 (Electric Boogaloo), celebrate a birthday in the family, survive another 3 days of sweltering heat, attend what will hopefully be a brief medical appointment, maybe have lunch with a friend somewhere in the mix. Plus, popping in and out of the Hey Creator Virtual Summit (it’s free!), as it suits me. And rest, lots and lots of rest.

Sometimes, perhaps more often than we like, we get sidetracked from seeking our goals. Or something happens that forces our hand in diverting our energy and attention away from what we seek. It happens. But it’s not the end of that path forward. Even if we have to backtrack, change routes, what have you. We still know the destination we seek.

Sometimes the diversion grants us a different perspective on our journey forward, or gives us new information, new skills that we don’t even know we’ll be needing down the road. There is always so much in life that we—sometimes cruelly—cannot control. For me, the consolation in those moments comes from knowing that I am always so satisfied, so proud of myself, to make it to the other side of that challenge.

It’s called a “sidetrack” because it runs parallel to the main track. You’re still heading in the right direction. Just keep moving and eventually, eventually, you’ll get there. And if it’s truly where you’re meant to be, the journey will make sense.

One of the oddest hurdles I’m encountering on my current business/entrepreneural journey is the voraciousness with which people keep saying I should step into a “thought leadership” role.

If you’re not familiar, the concept of a “thought leader” in an individual sense is meant to imply that one is recognized as an authority in a specific field.

It’s a compliment, I think, that people value my words with such passion that they want me to speak even louder, to reach even further. I, personally, think it’s a load of marketing trend regurgitation. Thank you kindly but, please stop.

It’s just that… what field exactly am I an authority in? What specifically am I providing guidance on beyond just, idk, not being an asshole, and living with intention? As far as I can tell, the only thing I’m an authority of is my own life and lived experiences… and I can’t exactly guide people on how to live my life. I can only share what I’ve learned by living it. I’m still figuring out the rest.

Pulling back, this is a theme that’s been present throughout my life. For one reason or another, people really want me to lead, assume I want to, assume I can. In groups of friends and strangers alike I’ve often been pushed into the position of being in charge… of projects, of presentations, of planning. Inevitably, I didn’t perform to their (unstated) expectations, and people walked away soured by the experience, how dare I let them down like that. But putting someone in a position or situation they’re not prepared to take on means that person will inevitably not have the resources or experience they need to fill the role well. And then that person will fail. What happens next when a person you invested your trust in fails to guide you in the way that you expected, or needed, because they were not adequately supported in that position? You get angry at them for failing you. No thanks!

It’s a misstep to push someone into a role they state they’re not ready for let alone seeking. When Simone Biles—one of the greatest gymnasts we’ve witnessed in American athletics—dropped out of The Olympics, she did so for her safety. That isn’t just honesty: it’s leadership. Yes, she’s an exceptional gymnast, but she had acute awareness of her abilities in that moment, and knew that she could not perform as expected, or to her own standards. Forcing her to continue to compete could have been… disastrous. Not for her team, or coaches, but herself. Lead by example, and those who trust you in that role will back your move even when it’s perceived as a loss.

This isn’t meant to be a humble brag, “oh ho ho people are so inspired by me, woe is me.” And this isn’t about imposter syndrome (okay well, perhaps this is a parallel issue, in its way). To me, the problem inherent in this unequivocal vouching for my role as a leader is that these days it is delivered in a way that questions my intentions, as if leadership is The One True Path to Success. In conversation with someone this past week, I was asked why it is I’m so focused on building out the marketplace product for Hustle to Hire instead of sharing my wisdom via workshops and guidebooks. And again like, workshops and guidebooks on what?

The frequent insistence that thought leadership is the path I should be taking feels, to me, to be in direct conflict with the path I consistently state I want to take. It undermines my stated boundaries, my comfort, my goals, for yet another version of me people want access to regardless of who I am or what I need.

There is also the element of “you should be doing this!” without any actual familiarity with what I am doing. Is this newsletter not a form of thought leadership for my readers? Are the impassioned 1-on-1 conversations I have with friends not thought leadership? Why does that role equate to selling courses and coaching services, streaming presentations over Zoom to dozens if not hundreds of live viewers hanging on every word? Why is someone only considered to be engaging in thought leadership when there’s an audience of scale?

If I’m the leader people think I am, that means I think differently than they do, and see patterns they don’t see, make connections they can’t make. Which then would logically mean that if I’m prioritizing a marketplace of freelancers and business resources above positioning myself individually as a “thought leader” who you should be listening to, then I have a good goddamn reason to be doing that! LOL, et cetera!

For now, billing myself as a leader is not part of the plan. To me, it’s much more valuable to be perceived as a peer, one who has different experiences and different insights; if those insights are interesting or useful to you, very cool. If I must be a leader, then please, let me lead by example: doing what I want, what I say I need to do, for reasons that maybe you don’t understand. If leaders are to be trusted, then trust me when I say, it’s my time to build. Someday? Sure, absolutely, and in the meantime I’m going to continue living my life in a way that aligns with the kind of leader I want to become.

📺 Watching - My rewatch of the Highlander TV series continues; I just started in on season 3. The first episode of the season, The Samurai, finally tells us why the very Scottish Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod carries a katana as his main sword, and gives us the story behind the Dragon Head’s origin.

🎬 More Watching - After seeing a little clip on IG, I decided to watch Now You See Me (2013) and Now You See Me 2 (2016). Pretty basic popcorn fair that is excellent background noise… and then there’s the thing where the whole entire plot is about reclaiming and redistributing wealth from the CEOs of huge insurance corporations… Now You See Me 3 when??

🎵 Listening - Was I not just saying that it feels like witchouse is back? I was about to turn off the light and put down my phone this week when I saw an email from Bandcamp that there was a new M‡яc▲ll▲ album, The Eyes Of. This was one of my go-to bands during peak witchhouse; the new album takes a moment to pick up speed but it definitely hits all the right points and is a good intro for what the genre can be.

☕ Drinking - Went to a mid bar after the NIN show and was served a not-very-cold Modelo. Its passive warmth shall haunt me.

👕 Wearing - I don’t buy much clothing or accessories these days unless I have need… a small item for a specific shoot, maybe that dress I’ve been eyeing for months (“need”). But glasses? I could buy a dozen pairs of unique frames before I’m sated. It’s an accessory for my face! Very important. This first round I went with a basic black frame for daily wear, and a secondary pair with a little more whimsy. But if my IG ads are any indication, my collection will grow quickly in the coming months. I really, really want these acid green frames next.

✊ Happy Zero Cool Day to all who celebrate

😎 The full collection of shorts from The Animatrix is currently streaming on YouTube (in America) for free!

🧬 “I argue the science does not support this overly simplistic assertion. I should know, because I discovered the SRY gene on the human Y chromosome in 1990.” Meet the scientist who’s work is being misinterpreted for the purposes of state-sanctioned athletic bigotry. (Source: this thread by journalist Reo Eveleth)

Omg I am SO tired. So so tired. But what a great weekend it’s been! And now it’s going to be 95°F+ for the next several days, and I will be taking an ice pack to bed with me every night.

I’m very glad life is started to right itself again, and that just maybe the universe is conspiring in my favour for at least a little while. The hard times are hard, but I’m very stubborn. And when the good times are good, I’m very thankful for new memories to tuck away for when I need a reason to be stubborn.

Here’s to being stubborn when it’s warranted, and spontaneous when it’s needed.

xox,