I have very expensive teeth. And I wish that I could say that in a cool way, like it’s because I have the world’s best veneers or a sweet grill, but it’s honestly just that my teeth are, themselves, expensive. When I was a youth I had your slightly-above-typical amount of orthodontics work (a p-bar to expand my upper palate, a telescoping Herbst appliance to move my jaw forward to correct an overbite, and then braces with all the rubber bits). Plus the typical amount of dental cleanings and cavity fillings you’d expect of a child in Candy Land America.

But then I did the millennial thing of never going to the dentist ever again, once I was out on my own and it was my responsibility. I honestly don’t get what it is about millennials that we just… didn’t do those things. I mean yes a LARGE part of it is money-related—I call teeth “luxury bones” for this reason—but even when I had adequate insurance coverage that would have minimized the cost of a cleaning I just… didn’t go.

Right at the beginning of 2020, I had a molar shatter (I still have most of the bits!) and that led to me declaring that that was the year I was going to start going to the dentist again! I was gonna get my teeth cleaned and maybe I’d need a filling or two, idk! And then… well, and then 2020 happened. And I didn’t do diddly.

Even when I got on state-provided health insurance a couple years ago, I just didn’t prioritize dental stuff. So with everything going on politically earlier this year, I resolved to pick up where I left off on getting my own health issues resolved. While I still had coverage, you see. My conviction was met with a timely letter from my insurance that my file had been moved to a new clinic—specifically a dental school, which is relevant later. It was a sign! I called up and made an appointment to come in. We did all the x-rays one could need, and I met with the lead dentist/instructor to set up a plan of action. At the time we scheduled 3 appointments to fix what we believed were “minor issues”.

Ha!

I’ve now sat through a 2-3 hour appointment every week for the past month. Every. Week. Appointments have been added and cancelled, care plans rearranged on-the-spot and then more appointments added. Right now I have two more on the calendar, though at two-week intervals. “Minor issues”! At the third appointment things took a turn and that’s when we started to realize my teeth are full of surprising challenges! The lead dentist is thrilled by the opportunity for his students to practice more advanced techniques for less common problems—this man truly loves teeth and dentistry and it’s the cutest thing, and his students all enjoy working with him so that’s cool.

I can’t help but laugh about it all. In some ways I’m the perfect patient: I don’t have anxiety about going to the dentist, and a bunch of students get good practice on my “interesting” tooth problems. Some of these dental issues are exacerbated by Ehlers-Danlos specifically, so I take a “raising awareness” approach to specifically discussing issues like anesthetic resistance. I guess I wasn’t making it up and I really could feel all those fillings I got as a kid, even after 3 injections and half an hour of waiting for the drugs to kick in… and yet somehow I don’t have dental anxiety? Articaine and dental blocks are my new BFFs.

This has… not been the October experience I was looking forward to. I’m more exhausted than usual; a friend pointed out that dental work is kind of like a tiny surgery. Even giving myself a full day off for each appointment, it still takes me the next 48 hours to recover. It doesn’t help that I was also borrowing spoons for my new and somewhat intense cam schedule (worth it). I have two weeks until my next appointment and I’ve slowed to a reasonable pace on camming. I feel like I finally have the wherewithall to Halloween. But it doesn’t seem like anyone is celebrating this year? I haven’t seen mention of a single party or club night. Nobody I know has put together a group outting to the pumpkin patch or the corn maze. Or maybe I’m just not looking in the right places? I haven’t been on social much so maybe I’m missing out on, uh, actual social time. Whatever happened to texting your friends (/s).

This is a real long cold open so if you made it through the whole read, thank you. I don’t really have much of a point to this except like, obviously, GO TO THE DENTIST. If you have the means, please go, or donate to some dental funds on GFM, because fuck, man, teeth are so expensive! I’m truly incredibly thankful for all the tax payer dollars funding my dental work this year (and for a couple fans who covered some related expenses), because otherwise it simply would not be getting done! I haven’t even been experiencing pain so I had no clue there were any issues.

I consider myself pretty lucky, tbh, and I hope that when I’m done needing that luck it passes on to one of you.

☑️ Done and Done - Finally got to chill with the bestie after several busy weeks; hung out with another friend before he moves away. Helped my cat investigate possible poltergeist activity and made it out on at least one sunny walk with Irma. Tried out a new-to-me coffee spot for a lil work sesh. Aforementioned dentist appointment and subsequent rest. Started waking up later due to sun/weather changes, spent a lot of time cozied up in blankets, watched a lot of October media.

📋 Coming up - Going to see one of my fave giallos in an actual theater, some pre-Halloween goth night dancing, maaaybe one or two other events if I can find them! I’m going to try to cam as much as I can so I can at least wear some spooky costumes lol. Friends are hosting a spooky-ish baby shower next weekend. And most importantly, no dentist appointments in the coming week for the first time all month!

Lots of change happening in life over the past six months. Which is, amusingly, about as long as I’ve been running this newsletter. Coincidence…?? 👀 Yeah it probably is, but nonetheless. It’s interesting to have a running documentation as things unfold. That’s basically what journaling is for me, though, and what blogging was when it first took hold on the Internet. Just a running notation of the mundanity of life.

This return to camming has been big on my mind lately, and I talk more about that in the Confessions below. I realized that it’s not just “a return to camming”, but a return to how I started in sex work. While it’s been intermittent, my career in webcam modeling is now old enough to drink in America. So as I ponder how it feels to be back at it, I’m also weighing where I was in life 20 years ago vs. where I am now. And I do think that Merrick-then would have been thrilled to see everything we’ve done over the decades, but Merrick-now often feels more caught up in what hasn’t been done. In what feels impossible.

Every time I feel like I’m moving in the right direction, every time I feel like I’m getting close to something resembling a Result, some small thing diverts me from that supposed goal. Every battle hard fought, every lesson hard learned, every actual victory hard earned. With how much I keep getting pulled off the path I think I’m traveling, I’ve had to keep moving forward with a lot of trust that the moon and the stars were guiding me accurately to where I needed to be, regardless of where I wanted to be. And I’ll be damned if it isn’t true every time.

So first step is to recover, or in a sense, to catch up with some mile markers I had intended to hit by now. All the change occurring right now requires me to really step back to assess things, and identify what’s load-bearing or what can be moved to the side. And in time, both of those things will lead to me being able to reset myself, a hard reboot to clear the slate, clear the RAM and start fresh.

What’s meant to be mine is waiting for me. What isn’t mine will move beyond me. It really is that simple; the trick is always in the trusting.

So, as I believe I have mused what must be multiple times in recent weeks, I have been struggling a lot with maintaining my fansites and keeping up with content production while I’ve been in the thick of things this month. Most of my time and energy has been split between all that dental work and all that camming, and I feel good about how both those things are going. The camming is a lot of fun and it’s given me a lot of opportunity to play around with outfits again, enjoy my music collection, and interact in real-time with a fanbase comprised of both new friends and long-time supporters.

Things have very much hit a state of Something Has To Change, because even in the no-dentist weeks, I don’t have the capacity to do Everything. And as I’ve also mentioned, fansites as a business model just haven’t been performing well for me over the past year. It’s the reason I decided to try camming again—and I’m glad I did, because the income has been worth it. But that leaves me with the dilemma of what to do with my fansites? And how do I address the feeling of having failed, that I was no longer able to earn the same amount of income as I used to? Sure, it’s the economy, but I know that there’s always been more I could Do, more I could Optimize, more I could Take On. And I just… don’t want to do those things. So, what do I do?

For my subscribers, I’ll tell you now that this is not a declaration of me quitting spicy content production, nor do I plan to shut down my pages. But something will have to be adjusted, and I don’t really know what or how yet.

I think maybe it was last week that I said it kind of feels like photography is being pushed back into being my side hustle, and camming is stepping into place as my main gig. At the time that felt like a bad thing. But the more I examine both where those feelings are coming from and what adaptation to this pivot could actually look like, the more I find peace with the change.

I’ve spent the last two years slowing my posting schedule on my fansites bit by bit; it feels like a failure to me purely because that model of creation and distribution is so very much aligned with what I want to be focused on. Designing sets with lighting and decor, assembling costumes/wardrobe, doing all the photography myself, that’s all a lot of fun for me. I love photography, and I thought the new mirrorless camera I picked up earlier this year would be the perfect impetus to really commit to the work. Life conspired against that… and yet it didn’t, as I’ve been using that camera as a webcam for streaming, and the output is just so good, better than I would have felt comfortable with if I was just using my lil Logi webcam if I’m being honest. So it’s kind of a “right time right place, wrong implementation” thing there.

So it’s the end of October. I’ve done hardly any spookyposting, and that makes me sad, but I recognize that it makes me sad for personal reasons. So much of my attachment to the premise of fansites has been due to personal motivations about the type of work I want to produce. It’s really hard to be a creator (or a creative) without investing your heart into it, and it’s really hard to be a sex worker without getting personally attached to the work.

The camming is tough work in its way but my main goal with it is to rebuild my financial health, to rebuild my buffer that got eaten up by Irma’s ongoing medical care. To have a singular, focused goal like that allows me to really see it for what it is: a job. No emotional attachment (yet, at least; ha!), just log on, hustle and grind, log off, repeat.

I really don’t want to stop doing photography to that nigh-professional level, where it’s a whole Production, yeah? What I’m thinking now is, maybe if I revise what I expect from myself in terms of quantity, I’ll be able to get back to producing more quality shoots I’m really proud of, shoots that actually feel like Photography and less like “content”. More income will allow me to rent studios to shoot in (I love my apartment but five years of photographing in the same space has really stretched my creativity thin), to travel with and to friends and photographers, to attend events that could benefit my overall career.

I’ve been so terribly worried about alienating people who have been supporting me for years—decades, even—to the degree that I’m basically alienating myself, prioritizing the fan experience above what I need to actually sustain my life. I remind myself that the real ones are going to roll with me regardless, they want to see me succeed in my work and we get to explore new ways of working together.

As my return to streaming has refined, I’ve gained greater awareness of how I can adapt and integrate it with fansites, with social media. It won’t be the same as it’s been, but maybe that’s not bad. I’m still not putting all my eggs in one basket, income stream-wise, but maybe making some upgrades to the coop will lead to happier chickens laying more eggs.

Okay but like, when did IMDb change their little app icon to have white text instead of yellow? Decades of looking for that little yellow logotype and now it’s easier to just search the app title because the icon looks like everything else. Rubbish!

Don’t forget about my October movie list in case you need further watchlist inspo! I’ll try to get this updated today or tomorrow with my latest watches.

🎬 Movie #1 - I first watched Exeter (2015) as part of last year’s personal movie fest. It was such a fun flick, low budget but nuanced horror. I was pleased at how well it holds up on a second viewing. Solidly presented occult horror tropes with some nice twists, albeit a product of the era. “Sweeet fucking party man, let’s do it again next week!”

🎬 Movie #2 - While I still lament missing this one in the theaters, I’m glad I finally got around to watching Last Voyage of the Demeter (2023). One, I love a boat movie. Two, the captain’s log inserts in the original Dracula novel are, imo, the most boring part of the book… but it’s a delightful setting for a movie and a great deviation from your typical Dracula flick. I was very glad to see them go full monster for this one.

🎬 Movie #3 - Sometimes you need a dumb scary movie, and that’s where cash grab sequels from the mid-00s come in. Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007) isn’t good, but it’s kind of fun in that shock-and-schlock way. There’s sexy lesbians in sexy strait jackets, romance and betrayal, and of course our empowered female lead in a white tank top that just. keeps. getting wet.

🎬 Movie #4 - Admittedly, I haven’t watched the original I Know What You Did Last Summer movie(s) in well over a decade. But I saw that the new I Know What You Did Last Summer (2025) was streaming, so why not? Both a reboot and a sequel, this movie was more clever than I expected, with some nice unexpected twists that really built upon the original(s).

🎬 Movie #5 - The oft overlooked Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006) is probably one of my top 5 October movies. It’s the kind of movie that could only be made by true horror aficionados. What starts as a pseudo-documentary turns into a full-on slasher in the third act; they tell you exactly what’s going to happen, they give you every clue you could need, and yet. Plus, the cameos! Impeccable casting with no part too small to have significance in the legacy of slashers and horror. And with most of the filming done in/around Portland, Oregon, I’m really surprised more local folks haven’t heard of this one!

📺 TV Show - I also started in on the seasonally appropriate second season for the Interview with a Vampire tv show, which continues to be a sensory delight. I love how serious the show is. Season 3 starts next year and I might try to keep up?

🎵 Listening - I’ve been listening to VOWWS since their first single back in 20153 after hearing the track Councilor on a mix tape. They haven’t produced a ton of new music in recent years (their last full album was also 2015), but they have made up for it in collabs with some serious alt rock all-stars, with vocalist Rizz’s career producing videos and backing visuals taking off right alongside their career as touring musicians. It’s been a pleasure to watch them grow, and finally the patience pays off with their new album, I’ll Fill Your House With An Army. While I’ve enjoyed how they explored their sound and style over the years, this absolutely feels like a refinement, an escalation of that unique spark I first heard in Councilor. (Follow @vowwsband on Instagram for the best updates on their antics.)

👕 Wearing - A couple years ago I had some shop credit for an online marketplace and ended up ordering this Norma Modal Ribbed Turtleneck by Poplinen. Now, I don’t really consider this a turtleneck, but whatever. It’s soft as fuck and extremely comfy, both loose and fitted in a way that doesn’t make me fidget. Kind of an upscale thermal undershirt, though not quite as warm.

🍲 Eating - When the weather gets cold I tend to switch from yogurt to oatmeal, and I’ve been eating some extra servings what with all the dental work. Apparently, some people think it’s weird to put granola in oatmeal? But oatmeal soft and bland, granola crunchy and flavorful! Though I can’t do crunchy after dental work, so it’s just some cinnamon and a bit of Nutella, as a treat.

😺 This guy made an app where you take pictures of cats you meet and collect them in a sticker book. App name pending, but there’s some great suggestions in the Reddit thread.

👾 I’m so fucking frustrated that right as I’m all, maybe I’ll start streaming on Twitch again, they have yet another debacle confirming just how little they care about the streamers that have made the corp a (lucrative) household name. This time, a high-profile Twitch streamer was sexually assaulted at a TwitchCon meet-and-greet, and staff did nothing (okay well, they did laugh about it later). As someone who has staffed multiple larger comic cons, I simply cannot fathom a major con event like this being so callous towards its talent (unless of course, it’s a core part of your site’s “culture”…?).

🎀 I found the digital lifestyle/sexual wellness brand SexTech n’ Chill a few months ago, and I’ve enjoyed the blogs and podcasts they’re publishing. They recently recut an older group discussion on “The Myth of the Good Girl” and when I say that you should give this your time if you were born/raised femme…! Or if you weren’t but you want to understand why tf we’re like this…! Like, this is literally what we all go to therapy for, right? Damn. Solidarity; it’s nice to hear folks saying all this out loud.

🥔 I am SO glad this article title rightly called this out as a “disturbing” finding: Lay’s is rebranding their potato chip bags after consumer research revealed that a WHOPPING 42%(!) of consumers did not know(?!) that their chips were made out of potatoes???! I am… speechless. And scared. (We’d best not ask what they think is in hotdogs…)

What say you, are you bravely Halloweening it up this next week? Or are you tucking toes into blankies, grabbing the hot apple cider and settling in while the storm rages outside? I can’t fault anyone for not feeling like celebrating, but at the same time, I think it’s good for us to take the opportunity to cut loose a bit.

Whichever it is you choose to do this Halloween, may your proverbial bucket be full of King Size candy bars on a moon-filled October night, with leaves crunching underfoot and a group of costumed goblins running down the sidewalk across the street. Stay warm, stay safe, don’t go into the woods with any ominous dark entities that haven’t been vetted first. I’ll see you on the other side of the veil.

xox,