Hello and happy last day of August. (September already! That’s wild!) This past week has been cooler, cloudier, and slightly more muggy, and yet the moderate improvement in conditions did little to sway my ability to think, process, or focus. 🙃 Idk man! There’s just a lot going on, and it remains a distraction. But I feel good about the week ahead, so we’ll see!

As I’m sure I’ve said before, being self-employed and having a brain or sometimes whole body that just randomly decides it Doesn’t Want To—doesn’t want to focus, doesn’t want to move, —I’ve had to learn a lot about self-forgiveness for what’s not getting done. Chronic illness do be like that.

This week, when my brain just wouldn’t let me work, I still had some productive leanings. This always leaves me in an odd state of flux, and it’s really easy to end up feeling guilty for not being able to work and then just doing nothing / moping about it. But, since the body was willing, I decided to use that ounce of motivation to do more movement-oriented tasks. I tried on some outfits for a club night, including a mini dance party of one in my too-hot apartment to make sure the ‘fit could hold up. The next day, still no worky brain, so I dawdled about and touched in on a bunch of overdue tidying or ongoing home projects. It felt good to make progress on these things… nothing really finished per se, but progress is good!

I’m a very visual person, so as it often ends up, when my brain won’t let me focus on work it’s because I’m distracted by a mess… likely one of my own design. 😅 And unfortunately, the only way out of that is to actually clean. Quite rude if you ask me, but that’s the truth I’ve come to accept. They really don’t warn you about these elements of adulthood in school, do they? But at least I know how to square dance!

And while the dance night I had originally planned to hit up got cancelled, my friend and I pivoted our plans to a different venue. I had to take some time to process this change; a shift in environment can be a huge difference for me even if the activity is the same. But, I had the momentum of an outfit picked out, hair washed, legs shaved, so I gave it a go. And, surprise surprise, I did have fun… even after things took yet another turn and we ended up shutting down a karaoke night at a tiki bar with a bunch of friends who, coincidentally, would have been go-go dancing at the event we originally planned on going to!

Sometimes you just gotta roll with it. Giddyup. 🤠

☑️ Done and Done - Went to Ikea to get some meatballs and a few organizational items (as well as scope for future purchases), swapped out the keycaps on my mechanical keyboard, started setting up my account on a live cam site and exploring best practices there, went for a long walk with Irma, made a delicious but terribly spicy slow cooker chili, just in general tried to keep moving and avoid rotting.

📋 Coming up - I have a dentist appointment(!) on Thursday, my first in too long. Might go to a show on Tuesday night? Also need to set up my bujo for September. Really need to call Irma’s vet to schedule recurring labwork.

I usually listen to business podcasts when I’m out walking Irma. If I listen to them at home, I’m too inclined to take copious notes; it becomes a whole Thing. But on a walk, I can just be present with the discussion at hand, and allow my mind to integrate the conversation instead of trying to document it (though, both approaches have value, imo). Fortunately for me, this stellar quote from Anna Gifty came about as the podcast was wrapping up after we’d already gotten home.

If I’m being honest that quote is hardly an accurate summary of the podcast episode it came from—The Hidden Price of Being a Woman in Business (And Why You’re Not Imagining It)—but I think it speaks strongly of how women in the business world often have a different approach to what it means to run a successful business. Many of us, especially millennial and older, were raised and trained to emulate “successful” men, which included the inherent toxicity of the traditional American male experience. Girlboss culture = burnout culture because we were told that’s what it takes to succeed; in reality, our success will come from dismantling these traditional structures and mindsets of the business world, because they weren’t created in a way that allows for our success as women or people of marginalized identities.

The conversation in this podcast will absolutely resonate with you if you’re a woman in a “professional” career or a business owner, perhaps even moreso if you’re from a marginalized ethnic background. And if you’re neither of those things… well, consider it homework! Because those of us who are women, who are BIPOC, we already know the realities of the playing field we find ourselves on, but we need YOU to understand it too.

September marks my 5-year anniversary of returning to (online) sex work via OnlyFans in 2020. And it’s the 21-year(!) anniversary of me starting in sex work waaay back in 2004. It’s been an… interesting 5 years, to say the least, and it’s hard to keep it all straight sometimes.

Last year, for my 20th anniversary, I wrote a blog post that kind of summarized my experiences to-date. I haven’t really been maintaining the blog on my homepage, so I republished that post here on my Beehiiv: Reflecting on 20 Years as a Sex Worker. At the time I hadn’t really promoted that post at all; really I think I wrote it for myself, just as a way to check in on my mindset and alignments.

This last year has definitely been one of the most challenging years I’ve experienced in terms of the work itself. And I’d say pretty assuredly that a lot of those challenges have arisen directly from this second round of Trump as president… it’s not just the legislation that’s come out specifically targeting adult content, nor just the credit card companies cracking down on the types of products and services they deem “risky”, it’s also the effects this presidency have had on the greater economy and the overall mental health of America. Happy people buy porn and support sex work! Unhappy people expect access to porn, or cut it out of their monthly budgets (the latter of which is totally valid, we’re all tightening our belts).

And it’s not just the online sex work industry and its workers who are suffering; in-person workers are having a rough go of it, too. Even in Portland, OR, which has the highest amount of strip clubs per capita in the country (which would make you think it’s a booming industry) many strippers are picking up part-time jobs with more traditional employers, or augmenting their in-person work by returning to the online work that sustained many of them through the pandemic lockdown years.

The post below has some great comments from people on all ends of the spectrum (though it does primarily focus on creators utilizing subscription-based fan platforms like OF and Fansly). Folks who are still new-ish to the industry, people who have pivoted back and forth between online and in-person, and digital creators who are years into their business and are either finally seeing real success or… aren’t. We’ve even trained by social media—strippers posting stacks of cash at the end of a good night or e-girls twerking in backyard pools of the house they bought at 25—to think that to be a sex worker means financial wealth. But that’s far from the reality most sex workers experience.

All of this being said. I have often found myself wondering lately if it’s time for me to get a “real” job. But whenever that question comes up for me, I remind myself why it is I became a sex worker in the first place over 20 years ago, and why I returned to it: this is the work I enjoy. It’s not always easy, it’s rarely as lucrative as people assume, but I enjoy it. And that is so, so important to me. It’s also very accessible for me, as a neurodivergent person with chronic illnesses; accessibility is actually a key reason many people turn to sex work. Some of the challenges I’ve been dealing with over this past year have been due to health issues that either popped up in early 2024 or just are just a recurring part of my life (and wow, they don’t seem to be slowing down! Kind of a double whammy with the economy eh?). While I haven’t been able to perform in my job to the degree that is expected, having to pull back and slow down has allowed me to affirm the why’s and the how’s of choosing this work, and what that means for me individually.

In the Reflections post I linked earlier, I said that part of my measure of success in this industry is that I continue to show up. I continue to do the work. And that’s still true; it’s a point of pride for me, and stubborn pride at that. 😅 Challenges come and go, platforms come and go, buyers come and go. I remain. I pivot. I build, and I rebuild. Looking for a new job would exhaust me, mentally and emotionally. I’d rather use that same energy to continue building, moving strategically within my own business and fortifying what I’ve already built.

FWIW I don’t think we’ll ever see a true ban on porn, if anything it will be death by a thousand cuts. The work will get harder (heh) before it gets easier. I’m not excited to face this constantly-shifting landscape, but… I do think I can weather it, and come out the other side all the more successful for it.

So I guess, like, happy anniversary to me? 😂🥳🙃

🎬 Movie - For some inexplicable reason, I decided to rewatch Wanted (2006), the adaptation of the comic book by Mark Millar and J.G. Jones. It was fun to see some early, pre-X-Men James McAvoy being very quippy; the whole cast is very “of the era”. I recall seeing this in the theater when it was released and thought it was very cool at the time.

🎵 Music - I discovered Changeline through her very comedic and well-produced IG Reels, and fortunately her music absolutely follows suit. Her full album The.Draw.Of.A.New.Shape came out earlier this year and it’s full of high-energy, booty-shakin’ bops. It’s a perfect soundtrack boppin’ around your apartment cleaning and tidying the place up (while shakin’ the booty).

☕ Beverage - Rum & cokes. Is this a summer thing? Idk. I go through phases with what I order at bars, and I’m starting to think it’s seasonal, if not situational. Sitting down with a friend to chat? Gin & tonic. Out with a group? Whiskey ginger. Party times? Rum & coke.

🌬️ Scent - I gravitate toward lighter scents in the summer, and my daytime go to lately has been Mood by The Lifestyle Co. It’s a lovely mix of floral and deeper earthy notes; I tend to favour savory over sweet in most regards so this is a nice compromise, and it doesn’t become overwhelming on hot days.

🍇 Food - I gotta say, grapes are just a choice summer snack. You can keep them in the fridge for a crisp treat, or freeze them to toss in your beverage (even chilled wine) as an ice cube alternative. And they’re both hydrating and filling—competitive eaters often use grapes to “train” their stomach capacity before a competition. I’m not saying eat a whole bag in one sitting… buuut I’ve been tempted to.

⚔️ I don’t remember the last time I watched any of the Deathstalker movies, but you bet your booty I’ll be revisiting them soon with this beauty on the horizon! I grew up watching sword + sorcery movies late at night in the summer months, before the UHF channels went on station break until the morning, and I’m so very delighted they are seeing a comeback in recent years.

🎞️ Speaking of movies, I liked this list of 101 Best Movie Performances of the 21st Century. One, I love a list with concise parameters. I liked that actors could only appear once… yet there are a few movies that show up for multiple performances. I’ve seen many 50% of these, so I’m excited to use this as fodder for adding to my Letterboxd Watchlist. (It’s also really interesting to see who didn’t make the cut… or who IS on the list but for unexpected flicks.)

🔞 I don’t currently have a Wired subscription but I’m going to link this paywalled article anyway, in case you do (and if so, send me a gift link please so I can read it?): The Internet Revolutionized Porn. Age Verification Could Upend Everything. (Source: porn actress and advocate Siri Dahl, who is quoted in the article.)

🧵 To me, this seems pretty obvious. It’s just… it seems like the bare minimum to actually check the comments of a post to see if what you want to say has already been said? And if it has, no need to comment! But god damn it is fucking horrible to make a really dumb typo and have a dozen people comment with “YOU MADE A TYPO?!!!?” Y’all need to fucking chill! Or when a bunch of people chime in with the same bad joke/take in reply to what you’ve posted. Stop trying to be funnier than me on my own post; you aren’t.

🗳️ Oh and! I’d love to get some more replies to this poll! There’s an option to leave a comment after you vote, if you’re so inclined, but it’s truly not necessary. Really I’d just love to hear what recurring sections of this newsletter you find yourself most looking forward to (or if there’s a rare section/topic not listed but you want more of). Please and thank you. 🥰

The summer heat returns this week, so while I do feel good about the week ahead I know I’ll have to make some adjustments. Either I’ll have to sit down at my desk earlier in the day before the temps rise in the upstairs of my loft, or I’ll need one really strong day of focused work to knock out a bunch of desk-related tasks so that I can coast on my iPad downstairs for the rest of the week.

Do you have any tricks for surviving the heat? Or the uhhhh collapse of the American economy? Lmk! 😂 It’s always lovely to have a little chat with folks who reply here or on social media, thanks y’all for always being so engaged. Let’s do this again next week!

xox,